The timer is counting down, less than 60 seconds left in the heat. Your kid is in the third position and needs a solid scoring wave to advance into the next round. And your mind is racing with these thoughts:

"Why did they choose the first set wave, they should have waited for the second one." "Why did they let their competitor take off on that wave?"  "Why did they risk going for that air when they could have just locked in a score?"

As your kid is walking up the beach after not advancing you feel your jaw is a little tight, your arms are crossed,  you give them a forced consolatory smile and exhale as they hand in their jersey.

And you are now faced with a choice, begin to pepper them with these questions and your opinions OR don't.  

What you choose to do next can either contribute to building their confidence or erode it.

We get it, it is impossible not to be invested on some level both emotionally and mentally in your kid's competitions. But guess who is invested and impacted even more than you...that's right, your kid. 

So before you unleash your recommendations, observations, and coaching tips (when 98% of you have never surfed, snowboarded, or skated in a competition) try this first.

• Let your child make their own mistakes and come to their own conclusion about what they can learn from them. You do not need to rush to point out their mistakes but you can ask them what they think worked in that heat/run and what they learned from the experience. Let them come to conclusions about what they could have done differently.
• Don't blame the judges or other competitors (though sometimes judging is suspect). Blame teaches non-accountability, so it is more important for kids to examine how they can "win" or do better, leaving zero doubt in judges' minds. Model good sportsmanship, remember you are the adult here. 
• Highlight their willingness to risk and go for it. Far too often young athletes fear failure and become afraid of making mistakes. Fear of failing can lead to hesitation, feeling anxious, or worst of all quitting. When we focus too much on their mistakes or poor performance parents can unknowingly contribute to the erosion of their child's confidence leading to them not wanting to take risks due to a fear of failing. 

Any professional athlete will tell you in order to build success (and repeat that success year after year) and continually level up as a competitor they have to keep the fun and passion in it. As parents it is your job to be supportive, protect your child's mental and emotional health, and contribute to helping your child build their confidence not only in sports but in life. 

Learn how to ask the right questions to guide your child in finding the answers for themselves, that is the best type of coaching you can do. 

Author: Sue Izzo